A selection of jokes for your entertainment....
An elderly couple were thinking about getting married.
They talked about all the normal things, like who was going to
cook dinner, who would clean the toilet, that kind of thing. The
man said to his bride-to-be, "We really should discuss sex.
How do you like it?"
The woman replied, "I like it infrequently."
The man asked, "Is that one word or two?"
A couple arrives at the office of a sex therapist,
and requests that he watch them while they have sex. He agrees
and theyshag eachother senseless and afterwards the therapist
concludes that everything is fine and they certainly do not have
a problem.
Much to his surprise they are back the next week with the same
story and everything repeats itself, and also the next week and
so on.
Then one day the sex therapist demands to know why they keep coming
back while they do not appear to have any problems.
The mans response; well mate, I'm married so I can't take her
to my place. She's married too so we can't go her place. A motel
room is around $75.- and you're only $50.- and my medical insurance
pays $40 of that!
Two blokes bump into eachother in the supermarket.
Sorry mate, says the first one, I am a bit nervous, I lost my
wife, can't find her anywhere. Second bloke replies; gee, I can't
find mine either, how about we go and look for them together?
Sure, says the first one, what does you wife look like? Eh well,
she's blonde, long hair, tall slim body, well tanned, large breasts
and she's wearing a tight fitting low cut black dress. What does
your wife look like? Forget about my wife, says the other bloke,
let's go and look for yours!
Sheila wants an all over suntan but is not quite sure how to ho
about it so she says to Bruce; you reckon I should go sunbathing
in the nuddy in the backyard? Yeah, no worries, says Bruce. But
what if the neighbours see me naked, what will they think? Bruce;
that I married you for your money.....
Two cowboys are having a chat about their favourite sexual positions,
when one of them says; I like the rodeo rider.
The rodeo rider? The other cowboy says, what is that, never heard
of it! Well, says the first cowboy, when you're doing it doggy
style you lean forward, get a firm hold of your wife's boobs and
then you whisper in her ear; gee, they feel exactly the same as
your sister's.. And then you try to stay on for another ten seconds!!
Blonde to her friend; I have to be really careful not to get pregnant.
Her friend; but didn't your husband get a vasectomy done recently?
Yes, exactly, that's why...
A blonde is enjoying a few drinks in a bar with
two girlfirends. One girlfriend is talking about how she finds
it so surprising that when she gives her husband a blowjob that
his balls feel cold when he comes. Girlfriend 2 joins in and says
that her husband's balls also feel cold. When they ask the blonde
she says that she has never really noticed but will test it tonight.
The next day the women meet again but the blonde has two black
eyes and numerous bruises. Oh no, what happened to you, they demand
to know. I don't know says the blonde, I gave Bruce his blowjob
but when I felt his balls at the end they were really warm and
I said; that's strange, your balls are warm, John and Steve's
balls always feel cold....
Two weeks ago I read in the newspaper that you can
die from drinking alcohol. I gave it some thought and decided
to stop drinking.
Then last week I read in the paper that you can also die from
smoking. Thought about this too for a while and decided to give
up smoking too.
Yesterday I read that you can also die from having sex! I have
been thinking about it all night, and have come to a decision.
I am giving up reading!
Three gay men died and were going to be cremated.
Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time
and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly so I'm going up
in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."
The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman so I'm
going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."
The third man said, "My Jimmy was such a good lover, I think
I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili so he can tear my
ASS up just one more time!"
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the
first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went
up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This
bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs
and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached
that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The
wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more
than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached
that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times
last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke
her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY
learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over
and ask him if it was with the same cow."
A man comes home late at night after spending considerable
time in the bar. He takes a close up look at his nagging wife
and says; Jesus, you're ugly! His wife replies with 'you're drunk!!'
To which the man replies again; Yes, but that'll be gone by tomorrow!
When do you know you've had really realy good sex?
When your neighbours need a cigarette too!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful
woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage
he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would
you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs,
"No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the
bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely
embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him
and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if
I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology
and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What
do you mean $200?"
An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big
grin on his face. What are you so happy about?" asks the
barman. "Well, I'll tell
you,"replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railway,
well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to
the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her
free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story
short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the
house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You are the
luckiest son-of-a-gun! Was she pretty?" "Dunno ....
Never found the head!"
A man walked into the ladies department of a department store
and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said,
"I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Type?"
inquires the man, "There's more than one type?" said
the man. "Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed
a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there
are really only four types of bras to choose from. "Relieved,
the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied
"There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian,
and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?" Now totally
befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really
quite simple:
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright
The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.
Bra Sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are
the letters used to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why,
but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about
time you became informed!
{A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
{DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up
A bloke goes into the CES office in Melbourne for
a look through the job vacancies. Which doesn't take him very
long, of course.
Then, just as he's about to give up and go away, he spots something.
"Wanted", it says. "Single man, willing
to travel, must have own scissors, $800 a week guaranteed, plus
company car and all expenses."
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, so the bloke makes
a note of the reference number and fronts up to the counter.
"I'd like to apply for this job", he says, reference
number e/784/b46-op1737azr2d2."
"Oh, that one," says the ces clerk. "Its a model
agency right here in Melbourne. They're looking for a pubic hair
snipper. You see, they supply girls who model underwear and bathers,
and before they go on the catwalk they report to you and you have
to snip off any wisps of pubic hair that are showing.
"It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks.
It involves quite a lot of travel, The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris,
London, that sort of thing. And you have to get used to living
in first-class hotels....
"I reckon I could learn to live with it,"
says the bloke. "I'd really like to apply for the job."
The ces clerk shrugs and says, "OK, here's an application
form and a rail ticket to Bendigo."
"Bendigo?" exclaims the bloke, Bendi-bloody-go? What
do I wanna go to Bendigo for?"
"Well", says the ces clerk, " that's where the
end of the queue is !
( CES = Commomwealth Employment Office , Bendigo.
A city 100km from Melbourne and 5000 km from anywhere)
Little Johnny is at school and the teacher keeps hearing these
mioaw sounds. In the end the teacher traces it down to Johhny's
schoolbag and opens it up to find a cat. Johnny, why did you bring
this cat to school? Well, after dad went to work this morning
a man came to paint the house and I heard him say to mum; as soon
as that little one's gone to school I'm gonna eat your pussy!
A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge
bath. One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that
there was a response on the monitor,when she touched her.They
went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,"Crazy
as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and
bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him,
that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally
agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the
woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses
ran into the room. "What happened?" The husband replied,
"I guess she choked."
Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of
a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss
Jones, I need
to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, TONY, that
is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word
you want to use is 'urinate'. Please use the word 'ur-i-nate'
in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little
TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "My dad says y ou're
an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"
Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" TONY
says "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow,
little TONY, that's a mouthful." Little TONY says, "No,
Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor,
I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on." "Could
you describe the symptoms to me ?" he asked. "Well,
it's easier if I show you," she said and, standing up, proceeded
to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the
edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two
small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt
or anything, but I was a little worried about them." The
doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you
a lesbian, by any chance ?" he asked. Embarrassed and slightly
non-plussed at this question coming from a
man with his head between her thighs she replied "Well, yes,
I am actually. Why do you ask?" "Well, I'm afraid you'll
have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
An Irishman named O'Malley went to his Doctor after
a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination, sighed
and looked
O'Malley in the eye and said, I've some bad news for you. You
have Cancer, and it can't be cured. You'd best put your affairs
in order."
O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But being a solid
character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the Doctor's
office into the waiting room, where his Son had been waiting.
"Well Son, we Irish celebrate when things are
good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case,
things aren't so well. I have Cancer. Lets head to the Pub and
have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 Pints, or more, the two were feeling
a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more Beers.
They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old Friends,
who were curious as to what the two were celebrating
O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the
good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his Friends that they
were drinking to his impending end. He told his Friends, "
I have been diagnosed with AIDS."
The Friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and
they had a couple of more beers. After the Friends left, O'Malley's
Son leaned over and whispered his confusion. Dad, I thought you
told me that you were dying of Cancer, and you just told your
Friends that you were dying of AIDS."
O'Malley said, " I don't want any of them sleeping
with your Mother after I'm gone."
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at
the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home
early tomorrow. She'll never know."
So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The
brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a
bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with
the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns
at her normal time.
"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do
it again sometime."
"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."
There once was a sailor named Dave,
who kept a dead whore in a cave,
he said I admit, she does smell a bit,
but look at the money I save!
There's two fags inside an old abandoned house having
anal sex, when suddenly one realises their out of Vaseline! So
one of the fags tells the other fags he'll be back in a while,
with more Vaseline, and not to jack-off. Later, when he returns,
he see's cum all over the walls and floor, this angers him, and
enraged he asks the other fag "why did you jack-off?"
Then the other fag says, "I didn't jack-off, I farted.
Why do mostAustralian men suffer from premature
ejaculation?
Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell
their mates what happened!!!!!!!!!!
The five secrets of married life
1. It is important to find a woman who works hard around the house,
cooks, cleans and has a job.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes you
laugh.
3.It is important to find a woman who is dependable
and does not lie.
4.It is important to find a woman who is good in
bed and who loves to have sex with you.
5.It is extremely important that these four women
never meet.
A woman is like a deck of cards;
you need a heart to love her...
You need a diamond to marry her....
Then you need a club to club her over the head...
And then you need a spade to bury the bitch....
Q. How do you know your wife's dead?
A. Sex is the same but the dishes pile up high in
the kitchen!
Q. Why do women stop menstruating in their fifties?
A. They need the blood for their varicose veins
!!
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer
and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a
golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and
a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
Q. What does WIFE stand for?
A. Washing, Ironing, Fucking, Etc.
Q. What do you say to a feminist with no arms and
no legs?
A. NICE TITS !!
Q. What have women and bull shit got in common?
A. The older they get, the easier to pick up!!
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling
very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?" Adam said
he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to
make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you, she
will cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash
it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will
not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement. She will praise you!
She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the
middle of the night to take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you
love and passion whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
Of course the rest is history......................
Johnny comes home from school and says to dad; at
school theboys were talking about pussy, what is pussy? Dada gets
his Penthouse magazine out, opens it , draws a circle and says,
there it is, everything in that circle. Then Johnny says, they
were also talking about a bitch, what's a bitch? Dad; everything
outside the circle!
Men are like ... Laxatives ...They irritate the
crap out of you.
Men are like ... Bananas ... The older they get,
the less firm they are.
Men are like ... Vacations ... They never seem to
be long enough.
Men are like ... Weather ... Nothing can be done
to change them.
Men are like ... Blenders ... You need One, but
you're not quite sure why.
Men are like ... Chocolate Bars ... Sweet, smooth,
& they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... Coffee ... The best ones are rich,
warm, & can keep you up all night long.
Men are like ... Commercials ... You can't believe
a word they say.
Men are like ... Department Stores ... Their clothes
are always 1/2 off.
Men are like ... Government Bonds ... They take
soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like ... Mascara ... They usually run at
the first sign of emotion.
Men are like ... Popcorn ... They satisfy you, but
only for a little while.
Men are like ... Snowstorms ... You never know when
they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will
last.
Men are like ... Lava Lamps ... Fun to look at,
but not very bright.
Men are like ... Parking Spots ... All the good
ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Man rings up his wife; I've won the lottery!!! I've
won a million dollars!! Pack your bags! Wife: That's great! What
should I pack for? The beach? The mountains? Husband: I don't
care, just fuck off !!
HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN ;
Wine her,
Dine her,
Call her,
Hug her,
Support her,
Hold her,
Surprise her,
Compliment her,
Smile at her,
Listen to her,
Laugh with her,
Cry with her,
Romance her,
Believe in her,
Cuddle with her,
Shop with her
Give her jewellery,
Buy her flowers,
Hold her hand,
Write love letters to her,
Go to the end of the earth and back again for her.
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN ;
Arrive naked.
Bring Pizza & Beer.
A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The
brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem
but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared
it up.
The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?"
This one did the rounds when Osama was enjoying
being a guest of the Taliban ;
As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for
a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday
at 2:00 PM Eastern time all Australian women are asked to walk
out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighbourhood
terrorists.
Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist
effort. All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front
of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that
they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and
to show support for all Australian women.
And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold
six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.
The Australian Government appreciates your efforts to root out
terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist
activity.
God bless Australia!
And just a thought for all you women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause. Ever notice how all of women's problems start with
men?
And when we have real problems, it's HISterectomy!
Send this to all the women you know, and brighten
their day!...
P.S. Don't forget the "GUY"necologist!
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes
out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being,
asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got
a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't
you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take
the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be
better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the
best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as
usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he
says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on
the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying
hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going
to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just
got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
If it's got tits or wheels sooner or later you're
gonna have problems with it.
Save the forests! Eat a beaver!
A family is sitting around the supper table. The
son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are
there?"
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three
kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like
melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like
pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like
onions."
"Onions?" "Yes, see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum
, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's
twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties
and forties, it Is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After
his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for
decoration only!
The teacher was telling the kids about the birds
and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet
and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them
a little baby. Little Johnny at the back of the class puts his
hand up and asks the teacher "are you sure about the stork
miss? Cos my sister just got a little baby and she said it was
from a shag at the beach".
Know a good joke to add to this page? Send
it to us !
